I'm talking to you, faithful friends. The ones who still "follow" me, the ones who still will read this and comment. The long wait is over.
I'm talking to myself, too. I can breathe again.
For the longest time, I have been in alternating modes of desperation and resignation. I had forgotten God's promises and nurturing. Since we moved here, I had been working a difficult job, with people I loved and often felt beholden to. A couple months ago, A and I got stranded (literally, the interstate closed for days!) in Wyoming, and during that week, we were able to take a step back from the frenetic pace of life and breathe. And think. And pray. And talk.
It was fantastic.
During that time away, we realized that though we were SO thankful for the job the Lord had provided, we were OK to let God lead us in a new direction if he opened a door. The nature of my job was such that I constantly felt under pressure to perform, to be "on," to give 100% during the day and then still have another 100% to give at home as a wife, a friend, a church member. I'm no mathematician, but those numbers just didn't add up. I just didn't have it in me, and though the Lord sustained me and gave me energy and mental energy to survive, we knew we weren't thriving in Denver under those circumstances. Although I tried to safeguard against burnout (great article here), I kept falling into days of bitterness, or despondency, asking (as the high little kid does) "Is this real life?"
I'm happy to report that I've been reminded that God is a God of compassion and goodness. He cares for us so much better than we can! Last Tuesday, I got a phone call about a potential job opportunity. By Thursday, I had my first interview. By Monday morning I had my second interview. By Monday afternoon, I had the job. By Tuesday night, I had worked my last day with the old company and was preparing to start with a company I had never heard of a week before! And today, only a week after my first interview, I've worked my first day at the job and really enjoyed it.
All of the little check boxes we had come up with when we first moved here, God answered with my first Denver job. When we realized how weary I was, we asked even more of the Lord, and seemingly, this job fits all of them and more.
Why do I not always ask big things of God? He is capable of delivering. Am I afraid He won't come through, or that his answer will be "no?" I have learned that even if the answer is "no," he is still good. He still sustains, he still nurtures and he still provides for all our needs. The circumstances, although not ideal, were not what made me so bleh - the state of my heart was. Without tough circumstances, who - on their own - would draw close to God? I need those thorns to remind me of His goodness. He uses tough circumstances to remind us how we need him, and he uses good circumstances to bless us with things we don't deserve.
3 days ago